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Post by angiebaby on Mar 2, 2007 20:49:37 GMT
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Post by fififolle on Mar 2, 2007 20:58:10 GMT
You can't beat a good Guiness joke!
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Post by jenner8675309 on Mar 2, 2007 22:44:22 GMT
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a g un. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!" The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"
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Post by fififolle on Mar 5, 2007 17:28:01 GMT
*doh* Actually, took me a while to get that...
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Post by Bogwoppit on Mar 5, 2007 17:45:05 GMT
Maybe we need a pat-on-the-head smilie...
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Post by fififolle on Mar 5, 2007 23:31:21 GMT
You'd get a lot of use out of it, that's for sure
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Post by jenner8675309 on Mar 6, 2007 21:20:27 GMT
A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.
He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."
He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.
So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing, "We missed the " R " ! , we missed the " R " !"
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"
With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was...
CELEBRATE!!!"
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Post by angiebaby on Mar 7, 2007 0:05:45 GMT
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Post by wabit on Mar 7, 2007 19:50:44 GMT
I GOT THIS VIA EMAIL AND THOUGHT I'D SHARE.
The following questions and answers were collected from last year's GCSE exam results in Swindon, Wiltshire. They are genuine responses (from 16 year olds)!
Geography Q: Name the four seasons. A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink. A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutant like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed? A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans? A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and Nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Sociology
Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on? A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.
Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections? A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.
Q: What are steroids? A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Biology
Q: What happens to your body as you age? A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty? A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes. A: Premature death. Q: What is artificial insemination? A: When the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? A: Keep it in the cow. [He got an A]
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorised? (e.g. abdomen) A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O and U.
Q: What is the Fibula? A: A small lie.
Q: What does "varicose" mean? A: Nearby.
Q: What is the most common form of birth control? A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.
Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section." A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.
Q: What is a seizure? A: A Roman emperor.
Q: What is a terminal illness? A: When you are sick at the airport
Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature? A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas.
English
Q: Use the word "judicious" in a sentence to show you understand its meaning. A: Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.
Q: What does the word "benign" mean? A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
Technology
Q: What is a turbine? A: Something an Arab or Sheik wears on his head
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Post by Bogwoppit on Mar 7, 2007 19:56:43 GMT
ROFLMAO!!!!! OMG that is hilarious!!!! And the monk one!!
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Post by Bogwoppit on Mar 7, 2007 20:03:31 GMT
I got this one from Jane, lookingfortarzan, by email. It's very true to life... Women will understand this and the men should memorize it! The Hormone Hostage The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his own hands! This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband,boyfriend, co-worker or significant other! DANGEROUS: What's for dinner? SAFER: Can I help you with dinner? SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner? ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some wine. DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that? SAFER: Wow, you sure look good in brown! SAFEST: WOW! Look at you! ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some wine DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about? SAFER: Could we be overreacting? SAFEST: Here's my paycheck. ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some wine. DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that? SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left. SAFEST: Can I get you a piece of chocolate with that? ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some wine. DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day? SAFER: I hope you didn't over-do it today. SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe! ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some more wine. 13 Things PMS Stands For: 1 Pass My Shotgun 2 Psychotic Mood Shift 3 Perpetual Munching Spree 4 Puffy Mid-Section 5 People Make me Sick 6 Provide Me with Sweets 7 Pardon My Sobbing 8 Pimples May Surface 9 Pass My Sweat pants 11. Plainly; Men Suck 12. Pack My Stuff and my favorite one. 13. Potential Murder Suspect Pass this on to all of your hormonal friends and those who might need a good laugh! ...Or men who need a warning. And remember: Money talks .... but Chocolate SINGS!!! ;D
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Post by angiebaby on Mar 7, 2007 22:12:16 GMT
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Post by Bogwoppit on Mar 10, 2007 19:09:57 GMT
Ok here's one:
A man has been marooned on a desert island for ten years, no animals, no people, nothing, living on fruit and water. One day he is walking along the beach, and he looks out to sea to see a black speck coming closer and closer. It's too small for a ship, too big to be a turtle... and as it gets nearer and nearer he realises it's a woman. She walks out of the water towards him, and she is the most beautiful woman he has ever seen, with long golden hair, huge blue eyes, a shapely figure, and wearing a skin tight white wet suit.
"'Allo," she says. (She's French!) "You poor poor man, 'ow long 'ave you been 'ere?"
"Ten years," he replies.
"Oh you poor poor man, 'ow long ees eet since you 'ave 'ad a cigar?"
"Well, ten years."
"Oh you poor poor man," she says, and reaches up to her right arm.
Slowly she unzips a hidden compartment, and pulls out a Panama cigar and lighter, hands it to him and lights it. He takes a deep drag and sighs.
"And 'ow long ees eet since you 'ave 'ad a glass of whiskey?" she asks, seeing the pleasure on his face as he smokes the cigar.
"Well, ten years," he replies.
Slowly, she reaches up to her left arm, unzips another hidden compartment, and pulls out a small silver flask and a tumbler. She pours out two fingers of whiskey and hands it to him, waiting for him to take a sip. He does, and sighs deeply again with pleasure.
"And," she continues, moving closer and batting her long eyelashes, "'ow long ees eet since you 'ave played around?"
His eyes light up, and he looks her up and down.
"Well, ten years," comes the reply.
"Oh you poor poor man..."
Slowly, she reaches up to the front of her wet suit, and slowly, slowly begins to unzip it down over her chest.
"Blimey," says the man, "don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs stashed away in there too!"
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Post by angiebaby on Mar 11, 2007 0:44:39 GMT
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Post by fififolle on May 10, 2007 20:28:59 GMT
Two fonts walked into a bar. The barman told them to clear off. "We don't serve your type in here."
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